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Coleen Rooney, Rebekah Vardy and the SBI (Scouse Bureau of Investigation).

Coleen Rooney, Rebekah Vardy and the SBI (Scouse Bureau of Investigation).
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Coleen Rooney Twitter

In case you’d been living under a rock lately, Scouse Women are standing tall and showing the nation that they are a force to be reckoned with. Jodie Comer took home the top award for a TV Actress winning an Emmy last month. Katarina Johnson-Thompson broke the British heptathlon record at the World Championships earlier this month. And yesterday, Coleen Rooney united football fans and their missus’. She brought their twitter feeds to a standstill, in true scouse bird style.

Coleen has cracked the case of her Instagram infiltrator and twitter has gone mad for it. A person, or account, Coleen has trusted into her personal Instagram account, took information shared there and leaked it to the S*n. I’m not sure which is the lowest blow to Coleen. Betraying her trust, or rubbing shoulders with The S*n. Rebekah is supposedly an avid Liverpool fan as well.

The Tweet.

Fair play to her for her timing. Coleen thoughtfully waited for an International break in the football season to drop this. When all our fella’s are usually struggling for twitter banter to follow, doing our head’s in more than usual, we were all served this tea. With an ending better than the ending of Game of Thrones we were gifted with this tweet:

With #WagathaChristie trending, and everyone’s timelines filled with Scooby Doo memes, the internet is praising Coleen for her detective work. But, in Liverpool, the FBI skills of the city’s females has been known and feared by it’s males for decades. Or, at least since facebook landed back in 2006. There isn’t a girl, over the age of 15 in the city, who won’t be able to find out where you were four years ago on Thursday, from only your first name and a blurry photo of the back of your head.

Scouse lads (and any shady females this can apply to) love to brand the girls who’ve caught them out as “psycho’s”. But, using detective skills that would be credited by the most senior of secret service agents, Scouse psycho’s own that badge of honour. They know that the Scouse Bureau of Investigation (SBI) can not be rivalled.

We’re a couple of months off 2020. The world prides itself on information being available at the click of a button. What’s the difference between asking a girl’s best friend what locker she has so you can post an anonymous love letter, and finding out a lad’s mother’s maiden name and first school to hack their emails? Why is getting your mother in law to surreptitiously plant Christmas ideas in your fella’s head okay, but using a catfish account to catch him out cheating with your alter ego, isn’t? Employers can google your name to see if they think what they find is employable. That’s okay. Professional, even. But if I put your name through four search engines, and use my mates account to cross reference what you’re saying with the truth, I’m a psycho? I think not.

The SBI is not limited solely to the exposing of males. On the back of a twenty minute Facebook scroll and analysis of recently added friends, I once turned up at a lad I was dating’s house and found another girl there. The girl reassured me they were on a “mate date” and I was way off. She then went on to call me a psycho to him. Months later when he caught feelings, he came clean and apologised. Told me she was exactly the kind of girl I thought she was and he was an idiot. But I already knew that. With my SBI skills I’d already found her ex fiance (who was considering going back to her), called him and swapped stories. He did not go back.

If you’re in any way shady, Scouse girls could seem like hard work. They will not take shit. They won’t be backed into a corner. And they’ll come out fighting when they have to. Scouse birds are fierce, determined and scheming when it’s needed. But, once they’re on your team, you’ve already won.

Coleen, your fellow members of the SBI stand by you in solidarity. Our work is not done. It never will be. But for now, we celebrate this victory.